Sunday, November 18, 2018

Where In The World Am I?

I've been conflicted about continuing this blog. As you can see I have not written much in the last little while. I still like this place I've created in cyberspace. It represents so much of who I am and where I've been since moving to my hometown. 

My life, actually my life along with my husband's and daughter's was forever changed in 2017. I've always wanted this space to be a "happy" space. Or at least more happy than sad. Our turning point came in 2017 when my husband clearly needed full-time care. I wanted to be his caregiver. I did not want to pay someone else to take care of him. It was clear that time was precious. It was precious because each day he lost more. Each day he was fighting to stay cognizant. Each day his understanding of what was happening changed. Each day he endured confusion, sadness, and fear as he tried to navigate his life without a compass or a map. I am confident that I'm not overstating when I say that I am the only person that could help ease his fear. Help bring him fleeting moments of joy. 

I didn't want to miss any of the time that Jordan was still Jordan. 

As happens with this disease, it progressed to the point that he needed more than my care. He needs a safe place. A place where he has round the clock care. A place where all of his medical needs are attended to daily. And so our lives changed again. One with me being the full-time caregiver to me being "only" his wife, and a helpless wife at that. 

In 2017, I spent a week in a chair beside Jordan's hospital bed. After getting him medically stabilized, he transitioned to a full-time nursing facility. When I came home, I came home alone. I came home to an apartment that he would never return to. My heart was broken. I wasn't quite sure how my heart even continued beating.  

In 2018, I relocated from Wilmington back to my hometown. I was able to get Jordan admitted to a Veteran's Nursing Home. His facility is in a different town, about 2 hours away from me. But, distance is a small price to pay when I am fully convinced he is getting the best care available. 

This year I moved into an apartment and began officially living alone. I am in an apartment that he will never see. 

All things I never expected. All things I would not have chosen. All things that we mere humans can not control. 

And yet... And yet, my life continues. 

All that to say, that this particular blog is about my life "before". You know? I haven't felt like writing. My life goes on. It is a "new" life. I'm doing what I can to make sure it is a full life. I want to make sure that my life continues to be a life well lived. 

As I move through grief I cannot deny that I am incredibly blessed. 

So, I have not really spent time here in this space I created. But, it is still a space that I treasure. Surprisingly, I still want to write. But I have a different story to tell. I've decided to begin a new blog. I am calling it "Half Time".   If you are curious, come over to the new space.