Monday, June 27, 2016

Nothing Beats a Cup of Tea

Photo: Taking Tea at the Orangery.
I'm getting back into the swing of posting. For the past several weeks I've been working late (which is a good thing, because business is good). I've also sacrificed my yoga practice (which is NOT a good thing). I need yoga. I WANT yoga. And now, today as I type this I have to decide if I will return to yoga tonight. 

I have read a new book which I plan to tell you is just a little dense for me...but still worth it. The book is about the brain. I've just not wanted to write about brains, but soon I will.

I was really sad a few weeks ago. I visited with an attorney "get my affairs in order."  I'm not sick. I'm just trying to be a good grown up. When Danielle was born, we had a will made. The main point of that document was to appoint God Parents, in case the unthinkable happened. Luckily, the unthinkable did not happen and Danielle, herself, is now an adult. 

But, you know each year when I choose my medical benefits at work...I have a nagging thought that the unthinkable will one day be the inevitable. I had this crushing feeling that the unthinkable was becoming more thinkable each day.

So here it is. I actually had a very clear realization that I don't want to die. Not only that, I was seriously surprised by such a realization. ~I mean we all know that everyone dies, right? Even as a child my bedtime prayer included "if I die before I wake..." But, I'm just now feeling mortal. Like I not only may actually die one day but that I actually will die one day. 

I'm a Christian. I have faith in an afterlife and I've held onto that faith each time I've lost a loved one. 

I'm finding out that it is possible to have two diametrically opposing views simultaneously. The two contradictions are equally weighing on my heart. This too is surprising to me.

What I realized so clearly is that I don't think I'm afraid to die. I don't think I'm afraid of what comes next. But I DON'T WANT TO GO. I don't want to leave. I love so much here on earth that I just don't want to go. 

I guess this is a mid-life three-quarter life crisis. It sort of makes sense. We've been an empty nest for several years. Before the nest was empty, there was no time or energy to contemplate such things. 

In the midst of all of these heavy emotions, I've also been struck by some amazing moments of serendipitous joy. That is also a contradiction. And yet, it's true. Even now, as my heart is happy because I just spent 30 minutes thinking about taking tea at the Orangery in London. It is something I did by myself on my first trip to London. 

And so, I leave you with these thoughts. Some of them are quite heavy. But so many more will be light.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

I Don't Know Where to Start

I have opened this blog so many times to write a real post.  The actual writing of the post never happened. Instead, I busied myself with non-writing bloggy things. I've heard that writers get their best house cleaning done when they are on a deadline. That was me. Only, that really never happens to me. Technically, I'm never on a deadline. And yet...I came here to write. 

You may have noticed I changed the look of the blog. Yeah, that kind of bloggy stuff can really keep you from writing. I also got so OBSESSED "caught up" in the new look that I could not stop tinkering. There are still some hidden secrets to getting the formatting consistent throughout. Yeah, this code is above my pay grade. In fact, I need to give a should out to the designer:   "Bthemez".  It's funny, I've spent so much time working with this HTML code I had this feeling that I knew the designer. But, I really don't. But their work is really nice!

I have been writing...but not for publication. Maybe that is why I couldn't bring myself here. Maybe I had already expressed what I wanted to say. 

But, no. That is not the case.  I have plenty to say. I just haven't gotten comfortable with saying it yet. (Sharing it yet?)

I really do like my little space on the web. I hope you continue to stop by.