|Photo: Taking Tea at the Orangery.|
I have read a new book which I plan to tell you about...it is just a little dense for me...but still worth it. The book is about the brain. I've just not wanted to write about brains, but soon I will.
I was really sad a few weeks ago. I visited with an attorney "get my affairs in order." I'm not sick. I'm just trying to be a good grown up. When Danielle was born, we had a will made. The main point of that document was to appoint God Parents, in case the unthinkable happened. Luckily, the unthinkable did not happen and Danielle, herself, is now an adult.
But, you know each year when I choose my medical benefits at work...I have a nagging thought that the unthinkable will one day be the inevitable. I had this crushing feeling that the unthinkable was becoming more thinkable each day.
So here it is. I actually had a very clear realization that I don't want to die. Not only that, I was seriously surprised by such a realization. ~I mean we all know that everyone dies, right? Even as a child my bedtime prayer included "if I die before I wake..." But, I'm just now feeling mortal. Like I not only may actually die one day but that I actually will die one day.
I'm a Christian. I have faith in an afterlife and I've held onto that faith each time I've lost a loved one.
I'm finding out that it is possible to have two diametrically opposing views simultaneously. The two contradictions are equally weighing on my heart. This too is surprising to me.
What I realized so clearly is that I don't think I'm afraid to die. I don't think I'm afraid of what comes next. But I DON'T WANT TO GO. I don't want to leave. I love so much here on earth that I just don't want to go.
I guess this is a
mid-life three-quarter life crisis. It sort of makes sense. We've been an empty nest for several years. Before the nest was empty, there was no time or energy to contemplate such things.
In the midst of all of these heavy emotions, I've also been struck by some amazing moments of serendipitous joy. That is also a contradiction. And yet, it's true. Even now, as my heart is happy because I just spent 30 minutes thinking about taking tea at the Orangery in London. It is something I did by myself on my first trip to London.
And so, I leave you with these thoughts. Some of them are quite heavy. But so many more will be light.